Welcome to The Month in Telly, where I try to sort the shite from the sugar on all the latest television events to grace my plasma.
Patrick McGuiness has jumped off his chunkier, and quite frankly funnier friend Peter Kay’s coat tails to host his own show: Take Me Out. The main format of the show, for those of you privileged enough to not have seen it, is that 30 women, of varying attractiveness and types, stand behind podiums with a button and a light. A gentleman then descends from the “Love-Lift” and must then do all he can to impress these desperate harpies, which can include anything from fire-breathing to videos of cringe-worthy interviews with the poor chap’s mum. If the ladies are unimpressed then in the words of Paddy, “No Likey, No Lighty”; the women switch off their light, and those that keep their light on can go on a date with him. If every light goes off then he has to take the walk of shame to the tune “All By Myself”, retreating back to his bachelor’s lair for a pot noodle and a cheeky wank over the 2 am repeat of Loose Women.
I think that this show is truly Blind Date on steroids, and I look forward to watching it every week with disdain. My rating: 15 desperate dateless dames out of 30.
This month my excessive television watching has been eternally punctuated by the ravings of meerkats who think everything’s “Shimples” (?!), a red telephone on wheels that became defunct as soon as mobile phones stopped needing a carry handle, and a fat man with a moustache and a belting set of pipes who interrupts everything from a morning coffee to the simple life of a residential road with cacophonous, near-valkyric proclamations of how much you can save if you go compare.
But which is the most annoying? In this in-depth debate I plan to cover all the angles and really get to the bottom of this once and for all…
And the answer is: the GO COMPAAAAARE fella is the most annoying. He’s a dick head and if he EVER sang like that in my face whilst I’m trying to enjoy lunch I would puncture his titanic, operatic arse with a steak knife, END OF.
The BRIT Awards aired recently, and along with the usual mis-timed jokes, horrifically mis-judged outfits and Misses “I have a pop career because I find clothing uncomfortable,” there was a new addition to the show: a person sitting in a room with a mute button. The awards this year were broadcast live, and because of the reputation rebellious popstars have on these sort of nights, this poor soul had to try (usually in vain) to mute the audio of the live feed pre-emptively whenever someone looked like they were about to say something naughty. I have watched through most of my recording of the show, and the only person who managed to proper slip through the net was that cheeky posh-but-pretending-to-be-a-geezer-bird Lily Allen, who proclaimed, “shit” when receiving her award. Two of the Spice Girls, Ginger and Eddie Murphy’s Baby Mamma, also maintained their hardcore rock ‘n roll status by ingeniously postulating that because it is live TV they could say “The F word”, but sadly they decided against this, which is fortunate really because after all they do both have successful pop careers to protect….. NOT! The only solo songs they have done that have had any level of success have been bastardisations of good original songs: “It’s Raining Men” by the ginger one, and “Word Up” by the scary one.
Also on the BRIT awards we were once again let down by that fucker Robbie Williams, who received a lifetime achievement award (that’s the one they give you when you’ll never get a number 1 again). For days beforehand, all industry sources were touting this event as the time when it would finally happen, when the full-on Take That reunion would happen, and it didn’t. Well FUCK YOU, Take That.
And finally…..THE MOST BAFFLING, HEAD SCRATCHING SERIES ON TV HAS RETURNED! Yes, I’m talking about Lost, returning for it’s sixth and final question-answering season!
I have to level with you; I am a hardcore Lost fan. I spend a lot of the time when I’m not working or watching TV pondering the many mysteries of the show with other “others” as we refer to ourselves. This show has a touch of everything; time-travel, romance, drama, comedy, and a frickin’ smoke monster, and this final season will decide once and for all if it is indeed one of the greatest series ever made, or if it’s all just been a massive waste of everyone’s time and money (the pilot for the show was the most expensive ever made) because it turns out they were all just in Vincent the Dog’s dream.
For those of you who haven’t kept up with the show or got bored of them week after week being just about to tell you one little fact and then finishing I have decided to put together a recap for you. This is available in two formats; the brief, or super-brief, for those 80′s executive types who already feel like you have wasted too much time reading this….
Brief recap: Plane crashes, weird hatch, smoke monster, The Others fucking around, boat comes, helicopter take some of them off the island, those who are left behind start time-travelling on island, those who get off island decide to go back, they go back and they are all in the 70′s building, try to blow up the hatch thus, in a parallel universe splitting cataclysmic event, attempt to undo the events of the whole series, meaning the plane lands safely……
Super-brief recap: Plane crashes, FREAKY SHIT happens, they don’t like the freaky shit.
I give Lost a whopping 4,815,162,342 (Lost gag) out of 5,000,000 baffled fans who are still clinging on desperately in the hope that it will all make sense one day.
Thank you for reading, and I look forward to delivering you a fresh steaming pile of TV reviewing every month.
Peace and Love,
Dan Gerrous